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Me, Myself, and I [entries|friends|calendar]

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[19 Oct 2008|01:24pm]
[ mood | sad ]

i just made one of the hardest decisions of my life. i just need to know that i have the courage and the strength to stick by my decision and that it's gonna be ok if i do.

i just need to know that it's going to be ok...

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furious is more like it... [17 Oct 2008|02:20pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

i'm so pissed off right now that i'm literally shaking. hyperventilating. there are so many things around me right now that are upsetting me i can't even wrap my head around all of them at once. one that i will name is that i have a midterm that i'm TRYING to study for but being interrupted constantly by millions of other things. and this pointless midterm is the reason that i can't elaborate on the rest of these things. i can't focus.

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when did this happen... [15 Oct 2008|12:09pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

two of my roommates plus my other really good friend (we all lived in the dorms together last year) all joined the same sorority. so needless to say i feel a little left out now and then. it definitely doesn't help the situation when one of my roommates is in the kitchen with one of the girls from their house making jello shots for a sorority event. and it definitely makes things ten times worse when they are both laughing at pitches not meant for humans to hear and starting every other sentence with "like" or "oh my god!" but the worst thing of all is that my roommate doesn't usually laugh and talk like that. she is down to earth, impressive, and confident. not the type of person i would expect to feel the need to impress someone like that in order to gain approval.

idk, maybe this is all in my head...but she really doesn't laugh like that.

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why... [30 Sep 2008|07:30pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I'll be sitting here for the next few hours...next to someone I really don't want to be around right now. So why can't I just stay away then? I wish it were that easy...

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Writer's Block: Super Bowl 2008 [04 Feb 2008|09:26pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Did you watch the Super Bowl last night? Who did you watch it with?

so, i actually did watch the super bowl last night, which is funny because i could not care less about football, and therefore was not rooting for any one team in particularly. of course, the real story here is who did i watch it with. so, i am a freshman in college, and last semester i took a stats class, in which there was an extremely cute guy who played the role of my eye candy all semester. eventually i saw him at a party one night and me and my roommate ended up dancing with him and his friend. that led to us going back to his apartment and just hanging out and watching t.v. for awhile. a few days later, i invited him to another party and he showed up with another of his friends. so at some point during the party, one of my friends heard my eye candy say that he didn't see me as anything more than a friend and was not interested in me in any other way. ironically they also overheard his friend say that he thought i was cute and wanted to get with me.

so the weeks went on, and i eventually gave up on my eye candy. in the meantime, i started to develop an interest for his friend. we eventually hooked up, but i lost interest fast as i soon realized it wasn't going any further (aside from the fact that he was extremely attractive, he just wasn't my type). so we all just kind of ended up being friends. so for the super bowl, naturally they invited me and my friends over to guy #2's apartment. everything was fine, no awkwardness at all. but now since then, me and my eye candy have been extremely flirtatious through texts and facebook, and i'm not quite sure what to make of it. he is a naturally friendly, really nice guy so it could just be his personality shining through and me taking it as something more, but then on the other hand, his feelings might have changed since last semester. either way, i am trying not to get my hopes up as i have had my fair share of disappointments in the past. but i am curious to see where this may go. and all of this started (or should i say restarted) with a little game called football....
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thoughts flowing... [31 Jan 2008|11:08pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

i wrote this incredible journal entry in my physical journal today. i don't know what happened, i just went off. like i don't know if it's cuz i have a lot on my mind or what, but it felt so good just to get all of that out of me and onto paper. sometimes it's kinda scary what comes out though, like when i write things that i didn't even know i was thinking about, at least not at that time.

anyways, i wrote about all the things i wish i could tell this guy that i am completely in love with, although he doesn't know how i feel. i wonder so much what he would say if he could just get a glimpse into my thoughts. although i would never sabotage myself so much as to actually tell him how i really feel about him. i've done that before, although not to the full extent, but even that ended badly, so why should i try it again?

i just don't want to wonder all my life what could have happened. even though before he made it clear that there could be nothing more than friendship between us, what do his friends recent comments mean? anything at all, i wonder? why would he say all that shit if it wasn't true? he's not the type to stir shit up for the hell of it. so what do i believe and how do i handle this. it's honestly not that big of a deal, cuz i've gotten so used to it that it's easy to just hide my feelings and go one being friends like everything is cool. but how long will that last? it was a lot easier before his friend brought up all these old feelings...and then of course swearing me to secrecy so that i have no one to talk to about it.

i guess i gotta get on and forget about it. i guess it's fortunate that i have piles and piles of homework to throw myself into to keep me distracted. not that i'm working on it at the moment, but i do plan to get up at the butt-crack of dawn and head over to the library. hopefully this time the plan won't fail, seeing as i had the exact same plan for this morning and ended up sleeping in till 11 and missing class. oh well, let's hope...

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[31 Jan 2008|02:03am]
[ mood | amused ]

ok, so haven't wrote for awhile. i love to write in my journal so much, but not as much as typing so i decided that this will be my new journal. i just got IM with one of my old friends, and i can tell that this is not going to be good for my study habits.

anyways, more later...hopefully. I'm pulling an all day/nighter tomorrow, so hopefully I make it through.

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uuughhh... [11 Dec 2007|10:21pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I am so incredibly sick right now and I can't focus or do any work or even think straight. I am tired all the time, not to mention that my floor is so noisy that I probably wouldn't be able to get any sleep even if I could. And all of this comes catapulting at me on the week of finals...by far the most important week of the semester, and all I can think about is when it will be over so I can go home and sleep for a solid day.

Arrgh!! Please just let me get through this, do good on my finals and go home. I want to go home so bad, not just so I can slack off, but because I really miss everyone from home. Ok, I can do this!! I am going to study right now, for at least 2 hours...or until I pass out.

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write on... [09 Dec 2007|11:07pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I love to write. I love it. It makes me feel creative and alive, like I am expressing myself in a way that lifts my spirits and lifts a weight off my shoulders. But no matter how much I write I never feel like I've completely gotten it all out...almost like I'm never satisfied. I just need to keep writing and writing until my head is empty and I have it all out and down on paper.

I don't know about everyone else, but livejournal is the just the least of what I write. In addition to this, I keep a journal, I write all kinds of little poems, I draw, I scrapbook & do collages which isn't really writing, but it's basically the same kind of expression. I have also tried to write short (or long) stories, but that has never really worked out seeing as how I am not great at writing fiction.

But anyways, I guess the point to this rant is that I wish I could just write something and be satisfied with it...with what it is and what it represents as it stands alone. I don't know if that makes any sense (it might not even make sense to me when I read this over tomorrow), but for now it'll have to do until I can find a way to better espress myself.

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Aaahh!! [06 Dec 2007|02:47pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Alright everyone, in about an hour I am going to take my first college final so wish me luck! I'm feeling pretty prepared for it, like I know all the material, but there are always those tricky questions that just end up screwing you over...like the really specific ones that if you didn't study that EXACT point, you have no chance of getting it right.

Anyways, I will be glad to get this one out of the way, have fun this weekend (!!!) and then get ready to buckle down again next week and study for my other two finals.

Is anyone else going through this right now? It's stressful, but fun at the same time! I know that sounds weird (how can studying possibly be fun?!), but it's the end of my first semester in college (at Berkeley, no less) and I think I actually did pretty well. I feel very accomplished : ) Well enough about that, I'm gonna get some last minute studying in!

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Look into my eyes... [05 Dec 2007|12:18am]

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[04 Dec 2007|09:27pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

So, my goal over winter break is to try and exercise for at least an hour everyday (except on rest days...gotta have those rest days) and to teach myself how to play the piano (or at least get started). I signed up for these free online lessons (basically they just send you info on how to start teaching yourself) so I'm gonna focus on one lesson a week, and then when I'm finally getting somewhere maybe I can look into actual lessons.

I am also going to go buy this journal (before I leave for back home) that I saw at Urban Outfitters. It is a journal of lists, as in each page asks you to make a list of something. For example "list the people you have lived with," "list your best purchases," "list the people you admire most." I think this is a really good idea for a journal because it gives a different perspective than what most people would write about.

Wow, this is the first time in a long time where I have actually been able to write for more than five minutes without my thought process just stopping dead in it's tracks. Maybe I just have a lot on my mind, thus my last frustrating entry. Sometimes it's hard to get all of the shit out of your head, but onto paper is definitely a good place to put it.

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[04 Dec 2007|09:13pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Why do I feel so down? Everything is going fine. I do have a lot of work to do, but I feel like I have that under control, like I have plenty of time...at least for now. So why do I feel so lonely and tired and so generally unenthusiastic? *sigh*

Well, I guess we all have our days.

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[30 Nov 2007|01:32pm]
[ mood | sad ]

wow, i've comletely ruined my page...i had all the perfect colors and then i went and changed it for christmas (which i ended up not liking at all) and now i can't find the colors that i had!!

: ( : ( : (

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[28 Nov 2007|11:05am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

in honor of winter and christmas and all of that, i've changed the colors of my journal...temporarily.

: )

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[28 Nov 2007|10:56am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

hahaha...my class was canceled for the day so i have the ENTIRE day to myself! but i wish that meant I could do whatever i wanted to...but of course it doesn't. it just means that i have more time to TRY and catch up with all of my work, although i know that will never happen.

sometimes this feels so pointless, like what's the point in working so hard when you will never be done with anything; there is always something else to do right after you've finished the last thing.

but i guess that's life...one thing after another.

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[27 Nov 2007|09:46am]
[ mood | content ]

yes, people will have their opinions. the key is to not let that affect who you are or how you percieve yourself.

*do what you want and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind*

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[26 Nov 2007|10:50pm]
[ mood | enraged ]

a paper to write
a test to take
a final to prepare for
a bitch to hate...

...i saw her and wanted to explode! i can't believe that after all this time and after all the "growing up" i've done she can still affect me like that. i wanted to tear her hair out of her skull and smash her face into the wall. she thinks that things have changed, well nothing's changed...i still hate her as much as i always have and i'll never forgive what she did to me. all the meddling and putting on a front for everyone else so it was like i was the bad guy. AAARRRGH!!! i can't stand her! cant even stand to think about her. even now, i can feel my blood boiling. i want to wash my hands of this shit and never look back. obviously i didn't go far enough. and until those two have nothing to do with each other (and perhaps even after that) i'll keep my distance from her associations as well...it's the only way too wipe her completely from my life.

so how do i erase her from my mind?

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don't need you... [13 Nov 2007|12:02pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

change the record, before I can see
just how little this really means
you thought it was clever
you thought it was a game
but look at me now
try to remember my name!

well, fuck you and all of your bullshit
i hope all of your time was well worth it
because all of this shit is leading up to this
you can only push a person so far
until they hit and miss.

you've pushed me into a corner
I'm officially no longer
part of this ride,
the playing along and hiding

you can count me out
I'm no longer in doubt
that it's not meant for me
so just let me be
I'll take care of myself
no, I don't need your god damn help!

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[13 Nov 2007|12:08am]
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